Sunday, June 16, 2013

It's a Nerd; It's a Pain, It's a Super Annoying Bitch!

So my wife, Tina, took me to see Man of Steel for Father's Day, and I have to say I enjoyed the hell out of it. I find it refreshing to finally have a great Superman movie. (Superman: The Motion Picture was good, but no offense to Chris Reeve or Richard Donner, it was not great, nor does it hold up to adult viewing). 

Tina also enjoyed it quite a bit, though she did yearn for Tom Welling's Clark from Smallville. Admittedly, I agree Henry Cavill's Clark is far more socially savvy than his television counterpart and this made him a very different Kent from Welling's portrayal (think of a blend of Christopher Reeve's self-deprecating version and George Reeves' suave and self-assured (though still mild-mannered) Kent from the 1950's/60's TV show The Adventures of Superman, leaning a bit more towards the latter end of the scale). However, I'm not entirely sure that Welling's corn pone naïveté is really what's called for in Snyder's script. But like I said, Tina pretty much liked it.

However, sadly not everyone in the theater appreciated the film as much as I hoped. The woman sitting next to us seemed to have a litany of problems with what she called "literally thousands of plot holes" (and what sane folks call "not paying basic attention to the simplest plot details and exposition). 

Fair warning: Here there be spoilers from here on out...

"So let me get this straight, if I leave my iPod buried in snow for a thousand years, it'll still work? That's bullshit."

Yes, it is bullshit. However, nowhere in the film does this happen. What does happen is that a Kryptonian spacecraft, buried for a thousand years does indeed still work. However, the fact that it's a fucking spaceship implies that it uses technology far beyond ours. For all we know, the damn thing runs on ice, so yeah, its still working after thousands of years? Got no problem with that. No, your iPod won't still work, but neither will it transport you interstellar distances and keep you alive for the journey. 

"I don't care who you are, even Stephen fucking Hawking couldn't figure out to turn the spaceship around so the key would fit."

Bitch, please. First of all it wasn't a ship, it was an engine. Secondly, the scientist/engineer doesn't turn it around; he adjusts a panel that is clearly (even to my non-Hawking eyes) off kilter. Thirdly, barring a miracle, Stephen Hawking, for all his genius, would find it hard to adjust the radio station, much less heavy machinery.

"How dare they have Superman kill! Superman doesn't EVER resort to murder."

So he'd let Zod kill the family in order to keep his morality intact? What the fuck kind of Superman have you been reading? NOTE: Zack Snyder, in a recent interview, explains that the murder of Zod is the turning point for Supes. It's the reason he no longer resorts to killing. 

"I may not know much about geography, but I'm pretty sure Metropolis is in Kansas, so how the hell does it have a harbor?"

First of all, I may not know much about geography, but I'm pretty sure Metropolis is a fictional fucking city. It can have a harbor, an international airport, and a hermetically sealed geodesic dome over it if the writers want. Also, it can be in Moscow. However this is academic since Metropolis was in Kansas only in Smallville. Everywhere else, it's a stand-in for New York City thus on the East Coast.

Also, I may not know much about physics, but I'm pretty sure a man can't fly. Why not bitch about that, too?

Finally, when the credits were over and there was no coda scene, she literally started channelling my two year old nephew when he doesn't get his way. On the literal verge of tears, she says, "And there's no scene at the end! ... We waited all this time for a scene at the end, and they didn't even bother to give us one."

Oh, there was scene at the end all right, lady. You made damn sure of that.

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